


Hawaii Five-0 Chatroom

by CassFear84



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Dialogue-Only, Gen, Humor, M/M, Meddling, Sexual Humor, chatroom fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-11-04
Updated: 2012-11-04
Packaged: 2017-11-17 23:58:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 13,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/554638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CassFear84/pseuds/CassFear84
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The new Governor feels the Hawaii Five-0 team needs more bonding after hours. He creates a chatroom where he expects the task force to mingle and, well, chat. Little does he know that this Ohana has its own intentions. Soft McDanno.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is what I think the Five-0 team does during the evenings, in order to keep in touch and foster bonding. Also, to kill time :P

_SEALSrulehas joined the chatroom._

_DetAwesome has joined the chatroom._

**SEALSrule:**  I'm surprised you figured out how to log in all on your own, Danno.

**DetAwesome** : So funny I forgot to laugh, McGarret. What's with your screen name? Are you so seriously in love with the Army that you have to advertise it? Or are you just plain annoying?

**SEALSrule** : Navy! It's the Navy! How many times do I have to tell you that?

**DetAwesome** : Navy, Army, whatever. You're still full of yourself.

**SEALSrule** : Says the guy who refers to himself as "awesome".

**DetAwesome** : Are you saying that I'm  _not_  awesome?

**SEALSrule** : Are you saying that SEALS don't rule?

**SurferChick** : Wow, ladies, don't make me kick you out of the chatroom.

**DetAwesome:**  Kono? When did you get here?

**SEALSrule** : And who says you can kick us out?

**DetAwesome** : Did you call us 'ladies'?

**SurferChick** : I logged in before you! You too are just so engrossed on each other that you didn't even notice me ;-) And I'm the Administrator, so yes I can kick you out.

**SurferChick** : And yes, I called you 'ladies', ladies.

**NewGalSuperBlonde** : You were right, Kono, this chatroom was a great idea! LOL

**SEALSrule** and  **DetAwesome**  have left the chatroom.

**NewGalSuperBlonde** : Ha, they even left together, they're so predictable.

**SurferChick:**  I know, right? Oh, well, let's see how long it takes us to take the b out of that bromance.

**NewGalSuperBlonde** : I'm in!

**NewGalSuperBlonde**  and  **SurferChick**  have left the chatroom.

**Zen** : This is not good.

**CommanderJ:**  Really? I think it's going to be very interesting.


	2. Chapter 2

_SEALSkickASS has joined the chatroom._

SurferChick: Hey, Boss. What's up?

SEALSkickASS: Not much, Kono. Just chilling in the lanai, having a beer.

SurferChick: With your laptop?

SEALSkickASS: Yeah, with my laptop on my lap!

SurferChick: How many beers have you had so far?

SEALSkickASS: What are you, a cop?

SurferChick: Yeah…

_sealsSUCK has joined the chatroom._

sealsSUCK: Steven! What the hell are you doing in the chatroom?

SEALSkickASS: You put the capitals in the wrong word, Danno!

sealsSUCK: No, I didn't, Steven. I put the capitals where I wanted the emphasis! Now answer the damn question, what the HELL are you doing in the chatroom?

_sealsSUCK has been kicked out of the chatroom._

SEALSkickASS: Hey, where's Danno?

SurferChick: I kicked him out for aggression. Why is he so mad at you, boss?

SEALSkickASS: Don't know. Maybe he wants a beer. I'll go ask him.

SurferChick: A beer? How are you going to ask him? This is a chatroom!

_SEALSkickASS has left the chatroom._

_Don'tkickmeoutagain has joined the chatrom._

Don'tkickmeoutagain: Kono!

SurferChick: Sorry, Bro. Rules are rules. This chatroom is for bonding, not attacking.

Don'tkickmeoutagain: Fine! Where the hell is Steve?

SurferChick: Watch the language, Bro. He just left. Said he was going to offer you a beer.

Don'tkickmeoutagain: Offer me a beer? I can't believe this! That man is a menace to society! I swear to God, if I hadn't taken Anger Management lessons, I'd be kicking his ass right now!

_Zen has joined the chatroom._

Zen: Hey, coz, what's up? Who's that?

SurferChick: Hey, Coz. It's Danny.

Don'tkickmeoutagain: Chin! Hey, you live near my place! Come and get me, please!

Zen: Get you? What happened? Why are you so mad at the Boss?

SurferChick: Yeah, bro. What's up with that?

Don'tkickmeoutagain: Oh my God! Will you people PLEASE stop talking like you were high? I'm trapped in my apartment! Dammit!

Zen: What do you mean, trapped?

Don'tkickmeoutagain: I  _mean_  that our Neanderthal of a Boss came to my house, drank  _my beers_ , locked me up in the bathroom when I went to take a leak, and then fucking disappeared! And after two fucking hours of trying to configure my cellphone to enter this God forsaken chatroom, there he is! Having a nice little talk with Kono, drunk off his ass from my beers, while I'm still locked in my shitty bathroom! SO WILL YOU PLEASE COME AND GET ME OUT OF HERE CHIN!

Zen: Danny, that anger is not good for you. I want you to take a deep breath and relax.

Don'tkickmeoutagain: RELAX MY ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Zen: Danny, please, stop that. I will come get you, but I need you to relax. I don't want you have a stroke right now.

Don'tkickmeoutagain: Oh, hey Chin! This is Steven! What's up, bro?

SurferChick: Steve? Why are you using Danny's account?

Don'tkickmeoutagain: I took his cellphone from him! Ha, you should see him, he's trying to ashdfSDFNBkshf;usyfdNSDFN

Zen: What was that?

_Don'tkickmeoutagain has left the chatroom._

SurferChick: I think Danny recovered his cell.

Zen: I should go over there, make sure they're alright.

SurferChick: I don't know. Drunk Steve locked in a bathroom with Danny? It could be fun for them.

Zen:  _Angry_  Danny, Kono. And  _that_  could go very wrong.

Surferchick: I hear ya.

Zen: Are you high?

_SurferChick has left the chatroom._

Zen: Yeah, she was.


	3. Chapter 3

_AgentLove has entered the chatroom._

_CommanderJ has entered the chatroom._

**CommanderJ:**  AgentLove? I'm guessing it's Lori?

**AgentLove** : Yay! Very good, Joe! It's me, Agent Weston.

**CommanderJ** : Why 'Love', Lori?

**AgentLove** : Because there are only two emotions really, and all the other feelings derive from them: love and fear. And I'm a positive person, so love is my emotion of choice 3

**CommanderJ** : I see. And in reality why did you change your screen name?

**AgentLove** : Because Steve and Danny started to make fun of it on the job :(

**CommanderJ:**  You know that if you keep using smilies they're going to have another reason to make fun of you, right?

**AgentLove** : You think? That bites! :(

_SEALextraordinaire has entered the chatroom_.

**SEALextraordinaire** : Oh, hey! It's superblonde! How are you, blondie?

**AgentLove** : Grow up, Steven!

_AgentLove has left the chatroom._

**CommanderJ:**  Are you proud of yourself, son?

**SEALextraordinaire:**  No, I'm sorry sir.

**CommanderJ** : I'm not the one you should be apologizing to.

**SEALextraordinaire:**  You're right, sir. I'll be back in a while.

**CommanderJ:**  Good boy.

_JerseysBest has joined the chatroom._

**JerseysBest:**  Hey, Joe!

**CommanderJ:**  Hello, Danny. What brings you here?

**JerseysBest** : After a extenuating day of work I thought it would be a good idea to honor Governor Denning's wish of us bonding after hours. I think it's a good idea, you know? Spending so much time on the edge with the same people, we should have thought of this ourselves! Or even a 'Game night'!

**CommanderJ** : And the real reason why you're here, instead of sleeping off your exhaustion?

**JerseysBest** : I was bored?

**CommanderJ** : And what exactly would entertain you at this time, Danny? Chatting with me? Or were you hoping that you'd catch a certain former-trainee of mine?

**JerseysBest** : What are you, a shrink now? I'm outta here!

_JerseysBest has left the chatroom._

**SEALextraordinaire** : What was that about?

**CommanderJ** : When did  _you_  come back?

**SEALextraordinaire:**  Oh, Kono taught me how to log in invisibly. Cool, right?

**CommanderJ** : Sneaky. I've taught you well. Although I would prefer that you stopped 'pumping up your ego', as Danny would say, with your title. It's to be honored, not mocked.

_SEALextraordinaire has changed his screen name to KickAssSteve_.

**KickAssSteve** : Better, Joe?

**CommanderJ** : More acceptable. Now, I heard something about you and Danny locked in a bathroom?

_KickAssSteve has left the chatroom._

**Zen:**  Way to get him to forget his question, Joe.

**CommanderJ** : I'm getting good at this, aren't I, Chin?

**Zen** : You are. Do you think Steve apologized to Lori?

**CommanderJ** : He did. He wouldn't risk it.

**Zen** : Even in a chatroom you're scary.

**CommanderJ:**  Who's afraid of the big bad SEAL?

**Zen** : Hahaha, that was classic!

**CommanderJ:**  Don't tell Steve I wrote that.

**Zen** : Your secret's safe with me, Joe.

_CommanderJ and Zen have left the chatroom._

**SurferChick** : Hello? Anyone?

_JerseysBest has joined the chatroom._

**SurferChick** : Hey Danny!

**JerseysBest** : Hey, there, Kono. We alone here?

**SurferChick** : Seems like. What's up?

**JerseysBest** : Nothing, but Joe's scary.

**SurferChick:**  I know. Hey, what happened in the bathroom the other day? Last I knew, Steve had your cell.

**JerseysBest** : Ah, yeah. I had to knock the wind out of him to get my cell. Then I managed to somehow get him in the car and drive him home. I had to stay there all night, to make sure he didn't do something stupid again. That man's a menace.

**SurferChick** : so you've said. So, he didn't say anything memorable?

**JerseysBest** : Memorable? Where are you getting at, Kono?

**SurferChick** : Oh, I just thought a drunk Boss would be a fun chatter. Nevermind. I gotta go. I'm trying to figure out how to open private chat windows. See ya, bro.

**JerseysBest** : Yeah, bye.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little more serious, because that's Chin's game zone.

**Zen:**  Hey, anyone there?

**Lori:**  Yeah, I'm here.

**Zen:**  It's hard to tell now that everyone logs in as invisible.

**Lori:**  Tell me about it. Do you know if Kono managed to create the private chat windows?

**Zen:**  She's still working on it. Why did you change your screen name?

**Lori:**  I'm tired of getting teased. If they make fun of my real name, at least I can punch them.

**Zen:**  You need to learn to ignore them, Lori. Grudges are bad for the soul.

**Lori:**  I'll remember that, Master Yoda.

**Zen:**  Keep your day job, Agent.

**Lori:**  :P

**Pinappleisntfood:**  Aw, aren't you two cute?

**Lori:**  Who's that?

**Pinappleisntfood:**  Guess.

**Zen:**  You know you spell it pineapple, right Danny?

**Pinappleisntfood:**  Dammit.

_Pinappleisntfood has changed his screen name to Hawaiicansuckit_.

**Lori:**  God, can't you have a nice screen name for once?

**Hawaiicansuckit:**  Oh, I'm sorry, Lori. Is my honesty offending your tender ladiness?

**Lori:**  Are you drunk?

**Hawaiicansuckit:**  Why is  _that_  the first question out of your mouth… or hands? No, I'm not drunk. I'm waiting for my  _lovely_  (notice the sarcastic tone, please) wife to drop off my daughter, even though she should have been here two hours ago.  _I_  am waiting. If  _I_  had ever been late,  _she_  would be calling her lawyer claiming I take no notice of her  _precious_ time.

**Lori:**  Sounds like you have issues. I'm out of here. Bye, Chin.

**Zen:**  Bye, Lori!

_Lori has left the chatroom._

**Hawaiicansuckit:**  Oh, great! Now,  _now_ , she sends me a message saying she's having car trouble. That's just great, I'm always the one who has to be patient, understanding and just fucking  _perfect_. That woman hates me, she fucking hates me. But you know what? I HATE HER TOO.

**Zen:**  Didn't you almost get together with her not so long ago?

**Hawaiicansuckit:**  Almost.

**Zen:**  Why  _didn't_  you go to Jersey with her and Grace? Wasn't that your plan? Get back together with Rachel and live happily ever after with her and Grace under the same roof?

**Hawaiicansuckit** : What do you  _think_  happened? Steve got fucking arrested! I wasn't gonna leave just like that! I had to help him!

**Zen:**  Wow. I'm impressed that you admitted that, Danny. Impressed and proud.

**Hawaiicansuckit:**  What do you mean? Admit  _what?_

**Zen** : That Steve is more important to you than your wife and daughter.

**Hawaiicansuckit:**  THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT! Steve is NOT more important to me than my daughter!

**Zen:**  But he  _is_  important enough that you chose to stay in a place you hate in order to help him, when you could have just turned your back and gone back to Jersey anyway.

**Hawaiicansuckit** : It's called loyalty, Chin. It's not like I was going to stay here forever. I was gonna leave as soon as Steve was out of prison and cleared of all charges. But then Rachel found out that Stan is the baby's father and well, the rest is history.

**Zen** : Still, Danny, I remember how you looked at me when I had to take him into custody.

**Hawaiicansuckit:**  Again, it's called  _loyalty_. Just like when we stole 10 million from the police to save  _you_ , Chin. Nobody said we were in love with you  _then_ , did they?

**Zen:**  I never said anything about being in love, Danny.  _You_  came up with that one.

**Hawaiicansuckit** : What? No! I mean… whatever,Rachel's here. Bye.

**Zen** : Bye, Danny.

**Hawaiicansuckit** : Chin.

**Zen:**  Yes, bro?

**Hawaiicansuckit:**  You  _know_  that's not what I meant, right?

**Zen:**  Sure, bro.

_Hawaiicansuckit has left the chatroom._

**CommanderJ:**  I think this is going to be much easier than we'd originally thought.

**Zen:**  You too, Joe?

**CommanderJ:**  I'm not as  _active_  in this mission as Kono and Lori, but yes, I think Steve and Danny need to open their eyes a bit and, well, like Kono says 'Take the b out of that bromance'.

**Zen** : For my own sanity, I'm going to pretend you did not just say bromance.

**CommanderJ** : In all fairness, I didn't  _say_  it.

**Zen:**  You're starting to sound more and more like Kono every day. Maybe it's time for  _you_  to open your eyes.

_CommanderJ has left the chatrrom._

**Zen** : Oh, come on, bro! I was kidding. People are just too sensitive lately. These Haoles need to learn to loosen up a bit.


	5. The incident

_SEALSmakemistakestoo has joined the chatroom._

**SEALSmakemistakestoo:**  Anyone here?

 **SurferChick:**  Yeah, Boss. What's with the screen name?

 **SEALSmakemistakestoo:**  I might have crossed a line with Danny. You seen him around?

 **SurferChick** : :o What happened?

 **SEALSmakemistakestoo** : Nothing, I just need to get him to talk to me again. Text him for me, Kono. Tell him to log in.

 **SurferChick** : Sure, Boss. Brb.

 **SEALSmakemistakestoo:**  What?

 **SurferChick** : 'Be right back'.

 **SEALSmakemistakestoo** : Oh.

 **SEALSmakemistakestoo** : So? Did you text him?

 **SurferChick:**  Be patient, bro! You gonna tell me what happened?

_SEALSruinlives has joined the chatroom._

**SEALSruinlives:**  What's up Kono?

 **SEALSmakemistakestoo:**  Danny!

 **SEALSruinlives:**  Oh. No! What the hell are you doing here? Did you set me up? Did you ask Kono to text me? That's a new low even for you McGarret. I'm out of here.

 **SEALSmakemistakestoo:**  Danny, please! Will you just wait and talk to me?

 **SEALSruinlives:**  I don't want to talk to you! Ever!

 **SEALSmakemistakestoo:**  Danny, please. I made a mistake. I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say.

 **SEALSruinlives:**  There's  _nothing_  to say, Steven. I can't believe you would do that. You crossed a line that should NEVER be crossed between two men, two PARTNERS, in  _my fucking car!_

 **SEALSmakemistakestoo:**  I know you're mad at me, Danny. I understand. But please, just understand, it was a mistake. An accident! I didn't mean to do it! I was just so relaxed, so _comfortable_ , with you, that I guess I just forgot my place there, for just a minute. Plus I'd had a couple of beers. I wasn't thinking straight! Please, Danny. It was an  _accident._

 **SEALSruinlives:**  Bullshit! It wasn't an accident, Steven! An accident is touching a woman's breast while reaching for the salt! And  _accident_  is banging the door closed too hard. An _accident_  is saying 'I love you' at the completely wrong time. What  _you_  did, was not an  _accident!_

 **SEALSmakemistakestoo:**  What do you want me to do Danno? I've already apologized. I don't know what to do for you to forgive me!

 **SEALSruinlives** : Don't call me Danno! You can't do that anymore! My daughter calls me that, it's a term of endearment. And now it's tainted! Tainted with the memory of what  _you did._

 **SEALSmakemistakestoo:**  Oh, my God! You know what? You're being OVER dramatic, Danno. It wasn't THAT BAD!

 **SEALsruinlives** : Not that bad? You FARTED, Steven! In MY CAMARO! That car is SACRED. You don't  _fart_  in a man's Camaro. It's a sin. A deadly sin and it should be a  _crime_ punishable by death!

 **SurferChick:**  Wow. Hold on! All this and all he did was  _fart_?  _That's_  the big issue, the line that was crossed?

 **SEALSruinlives:**  IT'S MY FUCKING CAMARO! The  _dog_  was more careful than him. You just don't fart in a Camaro! And he  _smiled_  like it was no big deal!

 **SEALSmakemistakestoo:**  So I passed a little wind, Danno. Even Kono doesn't think it was that bad.

 **SurferChick:**  Did it smell bad?

 **SEALSruinlives:**  YES! It smelled and now my car smells of McGarret fart! I will NEVER get that smell out of the car! NEVER.

 **SEALSmakemistakestoo:**  I told you, I'll have it cleaned. By the time you get it back the smell will be long gone (No, it didn't even smell! It was only noise!) and that will be it. Danny, I'll pay for it. Just let it go, please. I'll even let you drive it more often.

 **SEALSruinlives:**  Oh, don't you worry about  _that_. You will NEVER drive my car again.

_SEALSruinlives has left the chatroom._

**SEALSmakemistakestoo:**  Finally! God, he's been at it all day!

 **SurferChick:**  You guys need to go to couple's therapy. ASAP.

 **SEALSmakemistakestoo:**  ASAP?

 **SurferChick** : As soon as possible. Seriously, Boss. Next time Google it. It makes you sound old.

 _SEALSmakemistakestoo has left the chatroom_.


	6. Sanctity

**Zen:**  Hello?

 **Zen:**  Anyone?

 **Zen:**  Really? No one?

 **Zen:**  What do you know? The one day I actually have something to talk about, no one's here.

 **Zen:**  I guess I'll have to talk to myself. Maybe that'll help.

 **Zen:**  Chin, I think I'm in love with Lori.

 **SurferChick** : What? Are you kidding me? Lori? Weren't you getting back together with Malia?

 **Zen:**  I  _knew_  you'd show yourself with that one, coz. You're so predictable that I'm not even amused.

 **SurferChick:**  So you're not in love with Lori?

 **Zen:**  Of course not, Kono. You know Malia is the only one for me.

 **SurferChick:**  I can't believe I fell for that! You're lucky Lori isn't here. She would have flipped!

 **CommanderJ:**  She would have been flattered.

 **Zen:**  Hey, Joe! When did you get here?

 **CommanderJ:**  Just now. So did you really have something to talk about?

 _Cantfindasuitablescreenname has joined the chatroom_.

 **Zen:**  Who's there?

 **Kono:**  Maybe Max?

 **CommanderJ:**  I'm guessing… Lori.

 **Cantfindasuitablescreenname:**  Yay! It's me, Lori! What's up?

 **CommanderJ:**  I was just asking Chin what he wanted to talk about.

 **Cantfindasuitablescreenname:**  Oh, are we doing this by request now? Because if so, I'd like to know what the deal was between McGarret and Williams the other day.

 **Zen:**  That is exactly what I want to know. Does anyone know why Danny was so angry with Steve?

 **CommanderJ:**  I heard that Steve crossed a line, but that's all I know. I asked him about it, but he just blushed and said he didn't want to talk about it.

 **Cantfindasuitablescreenname:**  He crossed a  _line?_  What could he have done to make Danny  _that_  angry?

 **Zen:**  There are  _many_  lines that can be crossed, Lori.

 **Cantfindasuitablescreenname:**  Yeah, I'm thinking of one right now LOL.

 **CommanderJ:**  Kono? Do you know something? Are you still here?

 **SurferChick:**  Yes, I'm here. Hahahahahahaa, I' sorry, I just can't stop laughing.

 **Cantfindasuitablescreenname:**  Why? What do you know?

 **Zen:**  Kono!

 **SurferChick:**  Wait! Just give me a minute to catch my breath!

 **CommanderJ:**  But you  _do_  know what line was crossed.

 **SurferChick:**  Oh, yeah.

 **Cantfindasuitablescreenname:**  So what was it? What did Steve do?

 **SurferChick:**  He  _farted_  in Danny's car!

 **Cantfindasuitablescreenname:**  That's it? He farted? That's the  _line that should never be crossed_?

 **SurferChick:**  A crime that should be punishable by death, according to Danny.

 **Cantfindasuitablescreenname:**  Well, that's boring!

 **CommanderJ:**  While I do believe that it is, in comparison to what we have all thought,  _boring_ , I don't think it's minor at all.

 **SurferChick:**  You're agreeing with Danny?

 **Zen:**  Ladies, I don't expect you to understand the intricate relationship that exists between a man and his vehicle, but you just don't pass wind in someone's car.

 **Cantfindasuitablescreenname:**  Oh, come on! I mean, I would have slapped him if he had done that in front of  _me_ , but Danny was way too angry.

 **SurferChick** : Right! I still think he was overreacting.

 **CommanderJ:**  Consider this, Kono. What if someone where to... say... urinate on your surf board?

 **SurferChick:**  That's completely different!

 **Zen:**  Not really. It has to do with the sanctity of your vehicle.

 **SurferChick:**  I guess you're right.

_Cantfindasuitablescreenname, SurferChick, Zen and CommanderJ have left the chatroom._

**STEVEisanass:**  See that? EVERYONE AGREES WITH ME!

 **Dannyisadramaqueen:**  Oh, come on! It was an accident! And it didn't even smell!

 **STEVEisanass:**  It  _did_  smell! My car smells of Steve fart!

 **Dannyisadramaqueen:** It does not! I had the car cleaned, Danny. Will you let it go, please?

 **STEVEisanass:**  I will not!

 **Dannyisadramaqueen:**  Come on, Danno. I've saved your ass on more than one occasion and we've been through some tough shit together. Think about that.

 **STEVEisanass** : Steven, no matter what happened in the past or what will happen in the future, you will always be the guy who FARTED IN MY CAMARO!


	7. Blood-free

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know when Danny and Steve's birthdays are, so I'm using the actors'.

_Initializing private chatroom._

_Private Chatroom 1 ready._

_SurferChick, Zen, Lori and CommanderJ have joined private chatroom 1._

**SurferChick** : Alright, bros, we are now in business!

**Zen** : Well done, coz, I knew you'd be able to do it.

**Lori:**  Yeah, this is great. Now we can plan what to do for Steve and Danny's birthdays!

**CommanderJ:**  I didn't know their birthdays coincide.

**Zen:**  They don't. Danny's is on the 23rd, and Steve's on the 24th.

**CommanderJ** : Oh, good to know. So, what are we thinking?

**Lori:**  Is pig blood available in Hawaii? Because I think it's time I get my revenge from all the Halloween teasing I got.

**SurferChick:**  Um… I don't know, but I was thinking more along the lines of a surprise birthday party. Not sure where to fit the pig blood…

**Lori:**  Oh, don't worry. I can handle the pig blood.

**CommanderJ:**  I think it would be best if we kept the celebration… blood free.

**Lori:**  =( Fine. You can be a real buzzkill Joe.

**Zen:**  Right. OK. Wait, where's Max? Didn't you send him the invitation to the private chat, Kono?

**SurferChick:**  He'll be here any time now.

_MBMD has joined private chatroom 1._

**SurferChick:**  I'm awesome!

**MBMD:**  Hello, there, fellow co-workers. It's nice to be a part of this little virtual get-together.

**Lori:**  There you are, Max. You know, you sound like a geek even online. And what's with that screen name?

**MBMD:**  Is that so? Mmm… precisely what gives you that impression? I am asking, of course, with the purpose of changing said characteristics in order to fit the environment more appropriately.

**MBMD:** And it's Max Bergman MD.

**Zen** : You sound fine, Max. We're happy to have you here.

**SurferChick:**  Yeah, we're trying to figure out what to do for Steve and Danny's birthdays.

**MBMD:**  Oh, yes. The adjoining birthday situation. What have you considered so far?

**CommanderJ:**  Not much, except we are NOT using pig blood.

**Lori:**  Well, that's all I have.

**MBMD** : Have you decided on the venue?

**Zen:**  Excellent question, Max. No, we haven't decided yet. I guess it depends on how many people we invite.

**SurferChick:**  Are we gonna make it like a huge party? Cause I was thinking just the usual, you know? Us, Steve and Danny, of course, Kamekona… I don't think Rachel will want to come.

**Zen:**  No, but we could invite the museum lady. What's her name?

**Lori:**  Gaby. God, Danny has the biggest crush on her.

**SurferChick:**  I think he has a bigger crush on the boss.

**MBMD:**  What do you mean?

**CommanderJ:**  Nothing, Max. Who else could we invite? I know Catherine is unavailable. We could ask Mary to join us.

**Lori:**  Who's Mary?

**SurferChick:**  The boss' sister. She's cool. Kind of snarky. You'd like her.

**Zen:**  OK, who else? Grace?

**CommanderJ:**  If we're going to have Grace, then there can't be any alcohol.

**MBMD:**  Actually, I believe we are all responsible adults and there will be no alcohol-induced riots while the child is present.

**Lori:**  I agree with Max. We can't have a party without alcohol, and Danny will want Grace there.

**SurferChick:**  OK, so Gracie is  _in_.

**Zen:**  We still need to check with Rachel.

**Lori:**  I'll take care of it. I have experience in dealing with ex-wives.

**MBMD:**  I would not like to sound repetitive, but what is the decision on the venue? I would offer my apartment, but my roommate has taken to bed.

**Lori:**  Taken to bed?

**MBMD:**  He is ill.

**Lori:**  Yeah, I got that.

**MBMD:**  Then what was the question?

**Zen:**  OK! My place is too small. Joe?

**CommanderJ:**  I'm confident we'll be able to accommodate all the guests for the party in my house.

**SurferChick:**  Can I invite Charlie?

**Zen:**  Fong? Is there something I should know?

**Lori:**  Yeah, great idea! He's hot. I think he likes you!

**CommanderJ:**  Kamekona has a girlfriend, we should add her to the list.

**MBMD:**  What list?

**Lori:**  The  _guest_  list.

**MBMD:**  Oh, should we be taking notes?

**Zen:**  It's a virtual guest list. Don't worry about it.

**Lori:**  What about food? I can get a great cake for a good price.

**Zen:**  Perfect! I'll ask Kamekona if he wants to take care of the catering.

**CommanderJ:**  Are we sure we want shrimp?

**Zen:**  He'll be offended if we don't ask.

**MBMD:**  I have been told I can cook, and I quote, 'a mean barbecue'.

**Zen:**  Alright, Max's in charge of the back-up food, Lori gets the cake, we might get shrimp from Kamekona. Drinks?

**SurferChick:**  That's my area! I'll get it covered.

**CommanderJ:**  Let's make sure we have a kiddy menu for Grace.

**MBMD** : I can take care of that. I do not consume alcohol, so I will take non-alcoholic beverages for myself and Grace.

**Lori:**  Why don't you drink alcohol?

**MBMD:**  I have been known to hog the karaoke machine at college when drunk.

**SurferChick:**  Karaoke! Yay, let's get a machine!

**CommanderJ:**  I have one. We will need some new singing material, but it should work just fine.

**Zen:**  OK, Joe, I'm sorry but I can't imagine you playing Karaoke.

**CommanderJ:**  My daughters bought it for me a few years ago. They said I needed to lighten up.

**Lori:**  I didn't know you had daughters.

**CommanderJ:**  Three of them. All grown up and oblivious to the fact that I object to miniskirts and illegal street racing.

**Zen:**  I think we can call it a wrap for today.

**MBMD:**  Call it a wrap?

**Zen:**  Consider it done for today.

**MBMD:**  Alright. I guess I shall go back to watching the rerun of 'Heroes'.

**Lori:**  OMG. You know, you look just like one of the actors.

**MBMD:**  Yes, we Asians all look alike. Like you people.

_MBMD has left private chatroom 1._

**Lori:**  Did he just make a joke?

**CommanderJ:**  He's learning.

 


	8. Joe dared me

_SEALSareNOTimmunetohangovers has joined the chatroom._

**Myohanaknowshowtopartybrah:**  Hey, boss! Killer party, right?

 **SEALSareNOTimmunetohangovers :**  Oh, my God, Kono. Even  _online_  you sound loud.

 **Myohanaknowshowtopartybrah:**  How did you know it was me?

 **Thankgodmydaughterwasntthere :**  Oh, that's because he's  _such_  a good detective. You're the only person who calls him 'boss'.

 **Myohanaknowshowtopartybrah:**  No way! Chin does that too!

 **Thankgodmydaughterwasntthere :**  Chin never changes his screen name.

 **SEALSareNOTimmunetohangovers :**  Are you guys done? My headache is getting worse.

 **Thankgodmydaughterwasntthere :** So? What do you want  _us_  to do, man? Take an aspirin or something. Or better yet,  _don't_  sit in front of the computer!

 **SEALSareNOTimmunetohangovers :** I think this hangover has given me psychic powers, cause I swear I can  _hear_  everything you just wrote.

 **Thankgodmydaughterwasntthere :**  Oh, yeah? Can you hear me laughing at your drunken strip-tease?

 **SEALSareNOTimmunetohangovers :**  Oh, no, I didn't!

 **Myohanaknowshowtopartybrah:**  Oh, yes you did, boss. It was sexy!

 **Thankgodmydaughterwasntthere :**  It was  _hilarious_!

 **SEALSareNOTimmunetohangovers :**  Oh, God! I thought that was just a weird dream.

 **Thankgodmydaughterwasntthere :**  More like a  _nightmare_. Now I got "Sex bomb" stuck in my mind.

_NotsoZentoday has joined the chatroom._

**NotsoZentoday:**  I don't even  _dare_  say 'Good morning'.

 **Myohanaknowshowtopartybrah:**  Hey, coz. I think the boss is having some trouble remembering the party.

 **SEALSareNOTimmunetohangovers :**  Oh, I remember the party. What I  _don't_  remember is how I got this heart drawn on my chest. Is it  _lipstick_?

 **Myohanaknowshowtopartybrah:**  Nail polish. 'Passion red'. I love Revlon.

 **SEALSareNOTimmunetohangovers :**   _You_  did this to me? Why?

 **Myohanaknowshowtopartybrah:**  Because you sounded just  _lovely_  singing 'It will rain' to Danny.

 **SEALSareNOTimmunetohangovers :**  I wasn't singing it to Danny!

 **Thankgodmydaughterwasntthere :**  He wasn't singing it to  _me_!

 **SEALSareNOTimmunetohangovers :**  I was thinking about Cath, cause she couldn't come to the party!

 **Thankgodmydaughterwasntthere :** Yeah, why would think he was singing it to  _me_?

 **NotsoZentoday:**  I thought it was a response to you singing 'Candyman'.

 **SEALSareNOTimmunetohangovers :**  hahahahahahahahaa right! I remember you singing that song! Oh, man. You can really kick Christina Aguilera's ass.

 **Thankgodmydaughterwasntthere** : No! NOOOO. That's NOT what it was. No! It was a challenge. Joe  _dared_  me to sing it!

 **SEALSareNOTimmunetohangovers :**  And like the 15 yearl-old you really are, you went ahead.

 **Thankgodmydaughterwasntthere :**  I'm sorry, then you agree that you sang  _your_  song in response to  _my_  song?

 **Myohanaknowshowtopartybrah:**  Excuse me! Can I just say that I agree with Danny's song and that the boss "Is a one stop, gotcha hot, making all the panties drop"?

 **SEALSareNOTimmunetohangovers :**  I don't know whether I should feel flattered at the line, or offended that Danny sang that to me.

 **Thankgodmydaughterwasntthere** : I did NOT sing that to you! God dammit!

 **NotsoZentoday:**  Really? Cause the  _whole_  description of the man in that song fits Steve's profile.

 **Myohanaknowshowtopartybrah:**  Yeah! He had tattoos up and down his arm, there's nothing more dangerous than a boy with charm.

 **NotsoZentoday:**  And my favorite "he's a one stop shop with a real big…"

 **SEALSareNOTimmunetohangovers :**  Now I'm disturbed that Chin likes my big…

_AgentHangover has joined the chatroom._

**AgentHangover:**  I think I came in at the wrong time.

 **Myohanaknowshowtopartybrah:**  hahahaah busted, coz.

 **NotsoZentoday:**  I  _meant_  that it was my favorite part of the  _performance_ , especially with Danny's hand gestures.

 **Thankgodmydaughterwasntthere :**  I don't want to sound redundant but Thank  _God_  my daughter wasn't there! For once, I appreciate Rachel's overprotectiveness and distrust.

 **AgentHangover** : Are we discussing the karaoke performances? Cause I think the Best Confession Award goes to Max with 'I touch myself'.

 **Myohanaknowshowtopartybrah:**  That was epic! I didn't know he could move like  _that_!

 **NotsoZentoday:**  It's just so  _Max_ , to go up there and just surprise us like that.

 **SEALSareNOTimmunetohangovers :**  Where  _is_  Max anyway?

 **Thankgodmydaughterwasntthere :**  And Joe?

 **NotsoZentoday:**  Look, brah, I don't want to alarm you, but I'm pretty sure your sister stayed over at Joe's.

 **SEALSareNOTimmunetohangovers :**  My sister?  _Mary_? And Joe? No way.

 **Myohanaknowshowtopartybrah:**  Way, bro. They were pretty comfortable with each other when they sang Glee's "Singing in the rain/Umbrella".

 **SEALSareNOTimmunetohangovers :**  I hope you're wrong.

 **Thankgodmydaughterwasntthere :**  So what if she went with Joe? It's better than having your  _girlfriend_  leave the party with Kamekona!

 **SEALSareNOTimmunetohangovers :**  Oh, I'd forgotten about that! Sorry, Danno. That sucks.

 **NotsoZentoday:**  Yeah, brah. I'm sorry too.

 **AgentHangover:**  Well, I have to say that if Kamekona had been singing "Hey soul sister" to  _me_ , after all the drinks we'd had, there's a high chance I would have left with him too. No offence Danny.

 **Thankgodmydaughterwasntthere :**  Whatever. I still didn't have the most embarrassing night. Yeah, I'm looking at you Kono… figuratively speaking.

 **Myohanaknowshowtopartybrah:** What? "Don't you need somebody to love" is a CLASSIC by Jefferson Airplane. I am NOT embarrassed!

 **SEALSareNOTimmunetohangovers :** I don't think he meant that one.

 **NotsoZentoday:**  Yeah, I think your performance of "All the single ladies" was more embarrassing.

 **Thankgodmydaughterwasntthere** : Especially when you tripped over Max's foot and ended up ass in the air giving us all a nice view of you turquoise thong.

 **NotsoZentoday:**  Brah! Too far.

 **Thankgodmydaughterwasntthere** : Sorry, Chin.

 **SEALSareNOTimmunetohangovers :**  I still agree with Danny.

 **Myohanaknowshowtopartybrah** : whatever. You guys are just jealous that you can't pull off wearing a turquoise thong :P

 **SEALSareNOTimmunetohangovers** : Are you kidding me? With my abbs I can pull off  _anything_!

 **Thankgodmydaughterwasntthere :**  Yeah, OK, we got it, Dita Von Tease. You can strip. And what's with your chest anyway? What is that, a 20-pack? It's almost like you're photoshopped.

 **SEALSareNOTimmunetohangovers** : Well Danny, I'm both impressed that you know what Photoshop is, and flattered that you noticed my muscles.

 **Thankgodmydaughterwasntthere :**  Whatever McGarret. At least I have my dignity. Nobody got to see  _my_  golden treasure.

 **SEALSareNOTimmunetohangovers :** Golden treasure? What  _dignity_  were you talking about?

_Thankgodmydaughterwasntthere has left the chatroom._

**SEALSareNOTimmunetohangovers :**  Ugh, I think I'm gonna take that aspirin now.

_SEALSareNOTimmunetohangovers has left the chatroom._

**Myohanaknowshowtopartybrah:**  We should print these conversations, coz.

 **NotsoZentoday:**  I think it would be better if they stay undocumented.


	9. The birthday gift

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided that just one chapter about the birthday party just wasn't enough to get the boys to move faster, so I added this little situation that popped into my head last night. Since I already got Gaby away from Danny, I figured I still needed to get rid of Catherine and Scott Can's website gave me the perfect excuse.

_Dannysgonnadie has joined the chatroom._

**SurferChick:**  Woah, what's with the screen name, boss?

 **Dannysgonnadie:**  You don't know?

 **SurferChick** : Don't know  _what_?

 **Dannysgonnadie** : Why I wanna kill Danny!

 **SurferChick** : No clue. You really wanna kill him?

 **Dannysgonnadie** : Well, maybe murder is a bit too much. I just want to kick his ass bad enough that he can't walk for a few hours.

 **SurferChick:**  Why?

 **Dannysgonnadie** : It's a long story. Have you seen him around?

 **SurferChick** : Nah, bro. He hasn't been in the chatroom today.

 **Dannysgonnadie:**  Well, if you do see him, tell him to run like hell!

_Dannysgonnadie has left the chatroom._

**Mighthavegonetoofar:**  Uff! Thanks, Kono. He must be  _really_  pissed.

 **SurferChick:**  No problem, bro. Now, you wanna tell me what the hell happened?

 **Mighthavegonetoofar:**  I think Steve might not have liked his birthday present.

 **SurferChick:**  What? He loved cook book we got him! Why would he be angry about that? And with  _you_?

 **Mighthavegonetoofar:**  Umm.. well, he's happy about the cook book, right. But I don't think he's happy about the gift  _I_  gave him.

 **SurferChick** : OK. What  _did_  you give him?

 **Mighthavegonetoofar:**  I don't think he'd want me to tell you… or  _anyone_ , for that matter.

 **SurferChick:**  Well, here's the deal. Either you tell me what happened, or I'm gonna text Steve right now and tell him you're here.

 **Mighthavegonetoofar:**  Kono!

 **SurferChick:**  You have five seconds and counting.

 **Mighhavegonetoofar:**  No!

 **SurferChick** : 4…

 **Mighthavegonetoofar:**  Dammit, Kono!

 **SurferChick:**  3…

 **Mighthavegonetoofar** : You can't do this to me!

 **SurferChick:**  2… I'm already getting my phone ready, Danny.

 **Mighthavegonetoofar:**  Fine! Dammit! I can't believe this!

 **SurferChick:**   _Well?_

 **Mighthavegonetoofar:**  I convinced Catherine to make him a set of… let's say… erotic photographs, for his birthday.

 **SurferChick:**  But that's a great gift!

 **Mighthavegonetoofar:**  Except for one thing. You see, I got the idea before she was called back into duty, you know? But she didn't want to have a stranger see her naked…

 **SurferChick:**  Oh, Danny! You  _didn't!_

 **Mighthavegonetoofar** : I KNOW! Look, I didn't think about that at the time! Honest! I always liked taking photos. My dad even gave me a professional camera when I was a teenager, and I can take some really good shots, you know?

 **SurferChick:**  But it's  _Steve's girlfriend!_  You took naked pictures of Steve's  _girlfriend!_  No wonder he wants to kill you!

 **Mighthavegonetoofar** : NOT NAKED! Erotic, OK? Suggestive, but there was no nudity. I mean, maybe I saw a nipple.

 **SurferChick:**  DANNY! OMG. You'd better run! He's gonna kick your ass!

 **Mighthavegonetoofar** : Oh, come on! He's exaggerating! And he liked them even, before he knew I'd taken them.

 **SurferChick:**  How did he even find out it was  _you_? She didn't tell him, did she? Does she  _know_  that Steve's angry?

 **Mighthavegonetoofar:**  No, she doesn't know. But, umm, well, Steve recognized the lamp on my night table…

 **SurferChick:**  Danny! On your bed? OMG!

 **Mighthavegonetoofar:**  Nothing  _happened_ , Jesus! God! I just took the photographs for Steve! You'd think he'd be more greatful, you know?

 **Mighthavegonetoofar** : cn;hgdf;UFdnfcncnvxzcgvZBXC MHDUrh

 **SurferChick** : Uh, oh. Danny?

 **Mighthavegonetoofar:**  kdhf;SHDFUdsyfudshfjbxvx cvbxcvjsghkasnv.,xcvXjvK

 _Mighthavegonetoofar has left the chatroom_.

 **SurferChick:**  I guess the boss found him.

 **Zen:**  I guess we're not gonna see Danny for a couple of days.

 **ShrimpKing:**  Hell, if  _I_  see the Haole,  _I_ 'll kick his ass. There's no excuse for watching your friend's lady get naked man.

 **Zen:**  Look who's talking!

 **ShrimpKing:**  Oh, right. Well, maybe I just won't give him a 'friend' discount. Aloha!

 _ShrimpKing has left the chatroom_.

 **Zen:**  How did he get here?

 **SurferChick:**  I think I mentioned it to him at the party,  _before_  he left with Danny's girl.

 **Zen:**  I guess August is a strange month for romance.

 **SurferChick** : Well, let's look at the bright side. Maybe this will help break the bromance :P

_Zen has left the chatroom._

**SurferChick:**  Everyone's so sensitive lately!


	10. Sex ed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a WARNING to make, due to the content of this particular chapter. Please, be warned that there is explicit language. Also, there are some curses like "Jesus fucking God" which I included because I use them with my family, not because I am disrespectful of religion.

_Mcgarretisananimal has joined the chatroom._

**Singleandpissed:**  Don't even try, Williams. I don't want to talk about it.

 **Mcgarretisananimal:**  Oh? About what, exactly? About how you gave me a black eye or how you scared the hell out of my daughter when you came  _storming_  into my apartment and then proceeded to give me a black eye?

 **Singleandpissed:**  I already explained it to Gracie  _and_ Rachel.  _You_  have no excuse.

 **Mcgarretisananimal:**  seeing as I'm not allowed to see my  _daughter_  this weekend, all thanks to your 'I'm a big bad SEAL and you can't mess with me' act, I say we just call it even and move on.

 **Singleandpissed:**  Yeah, OK, why not? I've already lost my girlfriend over this.

 **Mcgarretisananimal:**  Awwww, are you saying that I'm more important than your sex life? I'm touched! Figuratively…

 **Singleandpissed:**  Very funny, Danno.

 **Mcgarretisananimal:**  And I'm back to Danno! I think we're making real progress.

 **Singleandpissed:**  Whatever.

 **Mcgarretisananimal** : You can't deny that the photos were hot!

 **Singleandpissed:**  I really don't want to talk about this, Danny.

 **Mcgarretisananimal:**  Oh, come on! Now that she's not  _yours_  anymore, we can at least discuss the art in the photos.

 **Singleandpissed:**  Let's get one thing straight, OK? She was never 'mine'.

 **Mcgarretisananimal:**  Fine, whatever Mr Politically correct. She's hot.

 **Singleandpissed:**  I know.

 **Mcgarretisananimal** : So you liked the pictures?

 **Singleandpissed:**  I still have them, don't I?

 **Mcgarretisananimal** : Soo.. which do you like best?

 **Singleandpissed** : I can't believe we're actually discussing this.

 **Mcgarretisananimal** : I can see the smile in that sentence, Steven. Come on, talk to me babe.  _My_  girlfriend wouldn't have done that for me.

 **Singleandpissed:**  But she might be doing it for Kamekona.

 **Mcgarretisananimal** : That was low, babe.

 **Singleandpissed:**  So? You saw my girlfriend naked!

 **Mcgarretisananimal** : Not NAKED! Dammit, why are you fixating on that?

 **Singleandpissed:**  Not naked? There's a shot where you can actually see … her lady parts?

 **Mcgarretisananimal:**  Lady parts? Seriously McGarret?  _That's_  what you call it?

 **Singleandpissed:**  What do you want me to call it?

 **Mcgarretisananimal** : Vagina? Pussy? Hell, my aunt used to call it 'parrot'.

 **Singleandpissed:**  Shit, Danny. Don't be so crude, man.

 **Mcgarretisananimal:**  Crude? Oh my God, I can't believe I just now realize this!

 **Singleandpissed:**  realize what?

 **Mcgarretisananimal:**  How come I didn't see this sooner? I mean, you  _never_  talk about sex! And of course you  _don't_!

 **Singleandpissed:**  Realize  _what_ , Danny?

 **Mcgarretisananimal:**  You, Steven McGarret, for all the SEALS rule, Hell Week, I'm full of ink, badass attitude, are actually, a prude!

 **Singleandpissed:**  I am NOT a prude.

 **Mcgarretisananimal:**  Yes, you are!

 **Singleandpissed:**  I am NOT.

 **Mcgarretisananimal:**  Fine. Pussy.

 **Singleandpissed:**  Danny! That's just wrong.

 **Mcgarretisananimal:**  Write it, write PUSSY.

 **Singleandpissed:**  No.

 **Mcgarretisananimal:**  You are such a prude!

 **Singleandpissed:**  No, I'm not! If I were a prude, I wouldn't have sex!

 _Mcgarretisananimal has changed his screen name to Mcgarretisaprude_.

 **Mcgarretisaprude:**  Given that you are such a prude, I'm surprised you have sex at all.

 **Singleandpissed** : I am not a  _prude_! I have sex! I have a lot of sex! Ask Catherine!

 **Mcgarretisaprude:**  A prude is, as defined by the wikipedia, perceived as being more uncomfortable than most with sexuality, nudity, alcohol, drug use or mischief. You, my friend, are uncomfortable with sexuality. PRUDE.

 **Singleandpissed** : Congratulations for knowing how to make a search in Wikipedia, Danny. And I am not uncomfortable with sexuality. Just with  _talking_ about it.

 **Mcgarretisaprude** : Oh, my God. You must be so boring in bed!

 **Singleandpissed:**  I am not!

 **Mcgarretisaprude:**  No wonder you had a problem with the naked pictures.

 **Singleandpissed:**  Ahhhh, so now they ARE naked pics.

 **Mcgarretisaprude** : God, please don't tell me you're a mute in the bedroom, McGarret.

 **Singleandpissed** : What? No, I'm not!

 **Mcgarretisaprude** : So you talk?

 **Singleandpissed:**   _Talk_? I don't… whatever, I mean, I'm not  _silent_.

 **Mcgarretisaprude** : Jesus.

 **Singleandpissed:**  What?

 **Mcgarretisaprude** : Jesus fucking God.

 **Singleandpissed** :  _What_ , Danno?

 **Mcgarretisaprude:**  Let's try something, OK, Steve? You up for it?

 **Singleandpissed:**  Up for  _what_?

 **Mcgarretisaprude:**  A little exercise.

 **Singleandpissed:**  Fine, whatever. Fine. Yeah.

 **Mcgarretisaprude:**  Repeat after me. Suck.

 **Singleandpissed** : Oh, no. Danny!

 **Mcgarretisaprude** : Do it, Steve. Or I will call you on the phone and we will do this anyway.

 **Singleandpissed** : I don't want to practice  _dirty talking_.

 **Mcgarretisaprude:**  hahahaha you are  _such_  a prude! Just do it, McGarret.

 **Singleandpissed** : Why do we have to do this, exactly?

 **Mcgarretisaprude:**  Because I don't want  _my_  friend to be a fucking mute, pun intended.

 **Singleandpissed** : Danno!

 **Mcgarretisaprude** : Do I have to  _call_  you, Steven?

 **Singleandpissed:**  No!

 **Mcgarretisaprude:**  Good. Then, let's start again. Suck.

 **Singleandpissed** : This is stupid. Suck.

 **Mcgarretisaprude** : Suck my.

 **Singleandpissed:**  Danny! I know where you're going with this.

 **Mcgarretisaprude:**  Do you ever say it?

 **Singleandpissed:**  No!

 **Mcgarretisaprude:**  Then we continue. Suck my.

 **Singleandpissed:**  Uffffffffffffffffff. Suck my.

 **Mcgarretisaprude** : Suck my cock.

 **Singleandpissed:**  Jesus, Danny!

 **Mcgarretisaprude:**  Say it, Steven. Some women (a lot of women, actually) like to be talked to like that.

 **Singleandpissed** : None that I've ever been with!

 **Mcgarretisaprude:**  Says the guy whose longest relationship was with a woman who spent half the year in a submarine! Of course she didn't complain! She just wanted to get laid! You need to do this, Steve. Trust me. You'll thank me later.

 **Singleandpissed:**  I doubt it.

 **Mcgarretisaprude:**  Come on Steve. Suck my cock.

 **Singleandpissed:**  Fine! Just so that we stop this nonsense. Suck my cock. Happy?

 **Mcgarretisaprude** : In general, I prefer a little more sweet talk, but I'll grant that with your body, you can skip down to dirty.

 **Singleandpissed** : Danny! God, you are awful!

 **Mcgarretisaprude:**  Do you have any idea how  _gay_  you just sounded?

 **Singleandpissed:**  Says the guy who forced me to say SUCK MY COCK.

 **Mcgarretisaprude** : What can I say? I'm a pro.

 **Singleandpissed:**  You're a jerk.

 **Mcgarretisaprude:**  Next time I'll teach you how to use  _pussy_  in a sentence.

 _Singleandpissed has left the chatroom_.

 **Mcgarretisaprude:**  hahahaha That's really gonna cost me. But it's OK. He'll thank me, really.


	11. The Jersey Slip

**AgentSandy:**  OMG, I  _loved_ movie night!

 **RizzoChick:**  I know, right? Max really picked out a great movie.

 **Zenuko:**  It was fine, I guess. But I think I enjoyed Malia dressed as Cha Cha more than the film itself.

 **AgentSandy:**  I realize you were trying to blend Zen and Zuko into your screen name, Chin, but it looks weird.

 **RizzoChick:**  Yeah, coz, you didn't pull it off.

 **Zenuko:**  It doesn't matter. Cha Cha is about to arrive. Bye, girls!

 **AgentSandy:**  Bye, Chin.

 **RizzoChick:**  Bye, coz.

_Zenuko has left the chatroom._

_HotelDet has joined the chatroom._

_Finallyabletosleep has joined the chatroom._

**AgentSandy:**  So I take it the co-inhabitance didn't go well?

 **HotelDet** : I can see you were always top of the class,  _Sandy_. Did you manage to take off your leather pants or did someone help you?

 **AgentSandy:**  Jealous you didn't get to see me in them longer, Danny?

 **HotelDet** : well, you know, as I said, I totally approve your new choice of attire.

 **Fianllyabletosleep:**  Do you guys need to take this to a  _private_  chatroom? Or better yet! Danny's  _hotel_  room.

 **AgentSandy:**  What's that supposed to mean?

 **Finallyabletosleep:**  Oh, I don't know. Maybe you want to use the Spa services again. Just make sure you don't lose the handcuff key again.

 **RizzoChick:**  What? :o What handcuffs? Lose the key  _again?_  Lori! You witch! You didn't tell me anything! And what Spa services?

 **AgentSandy:**  Thank you, Steve. That was really mature.

 **HotelDet:**  Seriously, what's wrong with you today, McGarret? That was low!

 **RizzoChick** : Hello? Can anyone answer me, please? What the hell happened?

 **HotelDet:**  I'm guessing there's no longer a language restriction in our chatroom, Moderator?

 **RizzoChick:**  Spill, Williams.

 **Finallyabletosleep:**  Well, it seems that Danny here invited Lori to his hotel room. To use the Spa services, of course.

 **RizzoChick:**  Oh, yeah! I remember you invied me too, Danny. But I was with Charly. And how was I supposed to explain that I was going to  _your_  hotel room, right!

 **Finallyabletosleep:**  Exactly. Well, imagine my surprise when I arrive to pick him up for the tux fittings and find not only Lori in his room, but they are also  _handcuffed_  together!

 **RizzoChick:**  I'm guessing Danny was trying to show her the Jersey slip?

 **AgentSandy:**  Exactly!

 **HotelDet:**  Right on, Kono.

 **Finallyabletosleep:**  How do you know about the Jersey slip?

 **RizzoChick:**  Danny showed it to me as a graduation present last year.

 **Finallyabletosleep:**  So it doesn't strike you as odd that Lori would be in his hotel room, in the morning, handcuffed to him?

 **RizzoChick:**  What? You think they're sleeping together? Come on, brah, get real!

 **AgentSandy** : Yeah, I'm a bit offended that you'd think that of me.

 **HotelDet:**  Wait a second. What's going on here? Are you people saying, what? That there's  _no way_  that there could be something else going on?

 **Finallyabletosleep:**  Is there?

 **HotelDet:**  No! But that's not the point. The point is that a)  _you_  don't trust me even when I'm telling you nothing's going on, and b) Kono thinks that the idea of Lori and me together is completely preposterous!

 **AgentSandy:**  She finds it  _preposterous_  because there is NOTHING GOING ON, and she knows it!

 **Finallyabletosleep:**  And I'm entitled to a little distrust considering the "Rachel" episode a few months ago!

 **HotelDet:**  That has nothing to do with this! What the hell? She's my ex-wife! And what's that got to do with anything anyway?

 **Finallyabletosleep** : It has everything to do with  _everything_  because if I hadn't caught Rachel sleeping on your shoulder, you never would have told me, Danny!

 **HotelDet** : Oh, yeah, because you  _immediately_  told me about Catherine!

 **Finallyabletosleep:**  You wanna talk about Catherine, photographer?

 **HotelDet:**  Oh, my God! Would you let that go already? I swear to God, you hold more grudges than my grandmother!

 **Finallyabletosleep:**  It's hard to forget when I get a picture of my girlfriend butt naked on your bed, Danny! Who says you weren't doing the same with Lori?

 **HotelDet:**  What do you care? She's not your girlfriend!

 **Finallyabletosleep:**  That's not the point. The point is that you were showing her how to do the Jersey slip. How many women have you taught that to, Danno?

 **HotelDet:**  Do you want me to show  _you_  how to do it, Steven? Is that what this is about? I'm not giving you enough attention? I'm sorry babe. Why don't you come on over and I'll make it up to you.

 **Finallyabletosleep:**  I can't believe you managed to turn this into a sex talk.

 **HotelDet:**  What can I say? I got skills. And if you stop rambling and come over to my hotel room, I'd be more than happy to show all my tricks, Babe.

 **Finallyabletosleep** : Shut up, Danny. You suck.

 **HotelDet:**  And you would  _love_  that.

_Finally able to sleep has left the chatroom._

**AgentSandy** : That was…

 **RizzoChick:**  Intense.

 **HotelDet:**  What are you talking about?

 **AgentSandy:**  You, flirting with Steve online!

 **HotelDet:**  Flirting? What? That wasn't flirting! I was just riling him up! I swear, you guys are getting weirder and weirder.

 _HotelDet has left the chatroom_.

 **RizzoChick:**  Those guys have  _no idea_  what's really going on, do they?

 **AgentSandy** : I think it's time for "Operation b deletion" to move on to a more aggressive stage.

 **RizzoChick** : Amen, sister.


	12. A problem with Joe

_Mrbackup has joined the chatroom._

**SurferChick:**  Hey, brah! What's up?

 **Mrbackup:**  Oh, hey, Kono. Are we alone here?

 **SurferChick:**  Nah, brah, we're all here. Say hello to Danny!

 **AgentLori:**  Hi, Danny!

 **Zenandmarried** : Hi, Danny. Malia says hi too.

 **SmoothDog:**  Hey, Danno!

 **Mrbackup:**  Steve?

 **CommanderUmbrella:**  Yeah, I think he's still a little buzzed from last night.

 **Mrbackup:**  Last night? I didn't think you were a late night kind of guy.

 **CommanderUnbrella:**  I'm not, but Steve persuaded me. In fact, I think I'm going to go back to bed. See you later, people.

 **SmoothDog:**  Oh, no! OK, bye Joe, c u l8r LOL

_CommanderUmbrella has left the chatroom._

**Mrbackup:**  What is  _that_?

 **SmoothDog:**  I'm just practicing some code writing.

 **Mrbackup:**  Aha, and what is the target of this code? Mmm… Are you going to go undercover on a highschool chatroom?

 **SmoothDog:**  You're sounding sorta hostile there, Danny.

 **Mrbackup:**  'Sorta"? What the hell did you drink last night?

 **SmoothDog:**  Nothing much!

 **Mrbackup:**  You must have drunk  _a lot_  if you're still drunk.

 **SmoothDog** : I'm not  _drunk!_  I'm cheerful! I had fun last night. I went to that tiki bar Joe likes, the one that serves the drinks with the little umbrellas.

 **Mrbackup** : Oh, so that's just great.

 **SmoothDog:**  What's that supposed to mean?

 **Mrbackup:**  Nothing. I'm just SO happy that you're having fun with your pal Joe.

 **SmoothDog:**  What do you mean 'my pal'?

 **Mrbackup:**  Nothing. He's your friend isn't he? I mean, it didn't take you long at all to stop calling him 'sir'.

 **SmoothDog:**  He insisted that I call him Joe, Danny. He's not my superior anymore.

 **Mrbackup:**  Oh, no, I  _know_  you're not  _under_  him anymore.

 **AgentLori:**  Wow.

 **SurferChick** : Guys, maybe you should cool it.

 **SmoothDog** : What the hell are you saying Danny? Do you have a problem with Joe?

 **Mrbackup** : Me? A problem with the guy who knows Shelburne but won't share?

 **SmoothDog:**  Yeah! A problem with the guy who put a fucking  _commando_  team together to get me the fuck out of North Korea.

 **Zenandmarried** : Guys, please, let's keep it cool.

 **Mrbackup:**  Yeah, so I recognize that the guy cares about you. Doesn't make him look any less suspicious. You don't think he could have slipped something in your drink?

 **SmoothDog** : No, I don't! I know he didn't, Danny. I don't even know why you're doubting him. Is it the Shelburne thing or is it me?

 **AgentLori:**  I don't think we should be mentioning that name in a chatroom.

 **Mrbackup:**  I'm just saying you too seem way too cozy lately.

 **SmoothDog** : Are you kidding me? You were handcuffed to Lori and I didn't make such a big deal out of it!

 **Mrbackup** : You threw the  _key_  out the window! That's NOT a problem to you?

 **SmoothDog:**  Yeah, well, I'm not the one who invited her to use the Spa services.

 **Mrbackup:**  women like Spas, Steven! Back me up here Lori!

_AgentLori has left the chatroom._

**SmoothDog:**  AHAAAA!

 **Mrbackup:**  What 'aha'? She was probably kidnapped by your good friend Commander 'I'm not much of a spa person, but I do like your umbrella, Steve' Joe White.

 **SmoothDog:**  That didn't even make any sense!

 **Mrbackup:**  Yeah, I can see your aneurysm face even through the chat screen, SmoothMongrel.

 **SmoothDog:**  I don't have an aneurysm face!

 **Mrbackup:**  You sure? Cause you're making it right now.

 **SmoothDog** : You know what? Whatever!

 **Mrbackup:**  I see you've mastered becoming a fifteen-year-old.

 **SmoothDog** : I don't even know what your problem is.

 **Mrbackup** : Ah, that's just great. I have to spell it out for you, don't I?

 **SurferChick:**  and for us.

 **Mrbackup:**  When's the last time you and I went for a beer?

 **SmoothDog:**  What?

 **Mrbackup** : What? Is this question too hard for you, high school boy? I asked when is the last time we went for a beer?

 **SmoothDog** : I don't know, Danny, I don't keep record.

 **Mrbackup:**  Right. But that's not why you don't know.

 **SmoothDog:**  It isn't?

 **Mrbackup:**  You don't  _know_  because ever since your  _friend_  came to this island, you have completely left the rest of us out. Am I right here, guys?

 _SurferChick has left the chatroom_.

_Zenandmarried has left the chatroom._

**Mrbackup:**  Look at that! They left because they didn't want to tell you what a lousy friend you've been lately.

 **SmoothDog:**  They  _left_  because you're being irrational! So what if I spend a little time with Joe? I've known him for years Danny! He risked his life, his  _career_ , to get me out of Wo Fat's hands!

 **Mrbackup:**  And he wasn't the only one! Did it ever ocurr to you that I've made sacrifices for you too?

 **SmoothDog:**  Don't think I'm not grateful, Danny, but you can't just expect me to bend over for you when you're responsible for your own actions.

 **Mrbackup** : I'm not talking about life-threatening situations, jackass! I would never ask for anything in return. What I did, I did because I felt it.

 **SmoothDog:**  What  _are_  you talking about then? Cause I sure as hell don't know.

 **Mrbackup:**  I lost the tie.

 **SmoothDog:**  You did that for  _me_?

 **Mrbackup** : Yeah, lest I feel tempted to strangle you with it. I also stopped complaining about the heat.

 **SmoothDog:**  I don't see how that benefits me.

 **Mrbackup:**  It benefits  _us_. I moved out of your house as soon as I realized I was bothering you.

 **SmoothDog** : You weren't bothering me Danny.

 **Mrbackup:**  Yeah, I was. I didn't even rant when you threw the handcuff key out the window of my hotel room, even though it was uncharacteristically childish of you.

 **SmoothDog:**  I apologized!

 **Mrbackup:**  the point  _is_  that it takes a lot of effort to do or not to do those things, Steven. And frankly I don't see it paying off.

 **SmoothDog** : Fine! What do you want Danny? What do you want to stop this conversation before it drags on to the next century? I'm not going to spend  _less_  time with Joe. What? You wanna come with us next time?

 **Mrbackup:**  No, I  _want_  a beer.

 **SmoothDog:**  Fine! A beer, on me. Tonight, alright?

 **Mrbackup:**  Yeah, fine.

 **SmoothDog:**  Can I invite Joe?

 **Mrbackup:**  God dammit Steven, I swear to God!

 **SmoothDog:**  I was kidding, Danny. Geez relax!

_Mrbackup has left the chatroom._

**SmoothDog** : What just happened?


	13. The dream

_Hawaiiputsthehinhell has joined the chatroom._

**SurferChick:**  Bad day, brah?

**Hawaiiputsthehinhell:**  Why do you keep changing the spelling on that word? One day it's "bro" and the other it's "brah"?

**SurferChick** : I'm gonna take that as a "yes". Do you want to talk about it?

**Hawaiiputsthehinhell** :  _Talking_  wouldn't be the case through this means.

**SurferChick** : Wow, you're being extra difficult today. What happened?

**Hawaiiputsthehinhell:**  I had a rough night, Kono.

**SurferChick:**  Why?

**Hawaiiputsthehinhell:**  I couldn't really get any sleep. I had a nightmare and then I just couldn't sleep again.

**SurferChick:**  What was the nightmare about?

**Hawaiiputsthehinhell:**  I don't know. I can't really remember most of it.

**SurferChick:**  You can't remember? Or maybe you  _won't_  remember?

**Hawaiiputsthehinhell:**  What are you, Freud? I told you, I just remember chunks!

**SurferChick:**  So tell me the chunks!

**Hawaiiputsthehinhell:**  I really don't see the point. I mean, I've already  _not_  slept, so it's not like I can fix it, you know?

**SurferChick:**  Geez, brah. What  _is_ your problem? Cause you sound way too opposed to talking about this.

**Hawaiiputsthehinhell:**  What? I'm not  _opposed_  to anything! I'm just saying that it doesn't really make any sense to talk about something that won't change, OK? I don't  _have_  a problem! And what  _are_  you trying to do, huh? Why the sudden interest? What are you hoping to discover?

**SurferChick:**  Woah, brah! Hold it, alright? Let's take it one step at a time, OK? I'm not trying to discover anything, Danny, OK? I'm just trying to help you.

**Hawaiiputsthehinhell** : OK, OK. Sorry, I get cranky when I don't sleep well.

**SurferChick** : It's OK, brah. I get it. Now, I'm gonna tell you something, but you have to promise me that you'll keep it to yourself.

**Hawaiiputsthehinhell:**  OK, yeah, don't worry about it.

**SurferChick:**  OK. Here it goes. I used to go to therapy.

**Hawaiiputsthehinhell:**  What? You went to therapy?

**SurferChick:**  Yes!

**Hawaiiputsthehinhell:**  hahahahahaa I don't believe you! You gotta be bullshitting me.

**SurferChick:**  Don't be a jerk, Danny!

**Hawaiiputsthehinhell:**  Ok, OK, I'm sorry. I apologize for being a jerk. Please, continue. But just so you know, that's my first smile all day.

**SurferChick:**  Well I'm glad my problems make you feel better :P Now, I went to therapy (I won't tell you why) but it helped me a lot, and mostly I talked about my dreams. So we should try it. I mean you're right, you didn't sleep last night and you're not going to get that rest back.

**Hawaiiputsthehinhell:**  Exactly!

**SurferChick** : BUT it might stop you from losing  _another_  good night's sleep.

**Hawaiiputsthehinhell:**  Huh. That actually makes sense. I hadn't thought of that.

**SurferChick:**  I know. I rule.

**Hawaiiputsthehinhell** : Don't get smug with me, Kono.

**SuferChick:**  Right. So, let's start, shall we? Tell me what you remember from the dream.

**Hawaiiputsthehinhell:**  Nightmare.

**SurferChick:**  Right, nightmare. Sorry.

**Hawaiiputsthehinhell:**  Well, like I said. I don't remember much.

**SurferChick** : You didn't really  _say_ it.

**Hawaiiputsthehinhell:**  Seriously? Now?

**SuferChick:**  hahahaha I'm just trying to lighten up the mood!

**Hawaiiputsthehinhell:**  Whatever. I don't know. I remember being in the Camaro with Steve, I was driving.

**SurferChick:**  Do you remember whether you were arguing?

**Hawaiiputsthehinhell:**  No, we weren't arguing. Actually, we were in silence. I think we'd already had an argument or something, and now we were just too pissed off to talk, cause I was looking at him from the corner of my eye, like I wanted to say something, but he was looking out his window.

**SurferChick:**  Ignoring you?

**Hawaiiputsthehinhell:**  Probably.

**SurferChick:**  Does that happen often? The arguments and then not talking, I mean?

**Hawaiiputsthehinhell:**  Yeah, a lot. The thing is that, I don't know how, but the car flipped or someone crashed into us. I'm not sure.

**SurferChick** : OK, so you had an accident. Then what?

**Hawaiiputsthehinhell:**  Then… that's it.

**SurferChick** : You're lying.

**Hawaiiputsthehinhell:**  How did you know?

**SurferChick:**  Danny, whatever it is, I won't tell anyone. Just spill it, you'll feel better. I promise.

**Hawaiiputsthehinhell:**  You're starting to sound like my wife.

**SurferChick** : Ex-wife.

**Hawaiiputsthehinhell:**  You sound like Rachel while we were still married.

**SurferChick:**  Aha. I still want you to finish telling me about your dream… nightmare.

**Hawaiiputsthehinhell** : Fine! Suddenly I'm out of the car but I can't find Steve. And I look everywhere and I see the Camaro on the other side on the road, upside down.

**SurferChick:**  And?

**Hawaiiputsthehinhell:**  And Steve was still in there. And he wasn't moving. And I woke up.

**SurferChick** : And how did you feel when you woke up?

**Hawaiiputsthehinhell:**  I'm not gonna talk about my  _feelings_ , RACHEL.

**SurferChick** : Danny! Don't be such a baby.

**Hawaiiputsthehinhell** : Baby? You're calling me a baby?

**SurferChick:**  Yes, I'm calling you a baby. Not even a  _big_  baby. Man up already and tell me how you felt when you woke up.

**Hawaiiputsthehinhell:**  What? I don't really like you right now, you know that?

**SurferChick:**  Didn't know, doesn't matter. Tell me. HOW. YOU. FELT.

**Hawaiiputsthehinhell** : Scared! Alright? I felt like that was it, like the world had gone to shit. Because I saw him and I knew, I  _felt_  he was dead. And it was the worst thing that could happen to me.

**SurferChick** : Wow.

**Hawaiiputsthehinhell:**  What do you mean? What does it mean?

**SurferChick:**  I really don't think I need to analyze it, Danny. I think all you have to do is re-read it and you'll see it for yourself.

**Hawaiiputsthehinhell:**  Yeah, I know. It's like the whole Korea thing all over again. It's just that Steve usually takes stupid risks, and I can yell at him for that. But this time it was  _my_ fault.

**SurferChick:**  Danny, I think you're missing the bigger picture here. I don't think it's about responsibility.

**Hawaiiputsthehinhell:**  I think it is. I think that's exactly what it is. I keep yelling at Steve for taking stupid risks, but then I go and take my own share of stupid risks, maybe to save his ass, maybe because it's part of the job. I think I'll ask Steve to go to counseling with me.

**SurferChick:**  For what?

**Hawaiiputsthehinhell** : To help us with our communication and general partnership. Yeah, that's it! Thanks Kono!

_Hawaiiputsthehinhell has left the chatroom_.

**SurferChick:**  Dammit! So close…

**CommanderJ:**  That's Ok, kid. You did very well.

**SurferChick:**  Thanks Joe. I wouldn't have been able to do it without your "private" guidance ;-)

**CommanderJ** : You're the one who planned it, Kono, calling me to a private chat as soon as you realized where Danny was going. You're really good.

**SurferChick:**  Now you're making me blush!

**CommanderJ:**  I only have one question.

**SurferChick:**  What?

**CommanderJ:**  Did you really go to therapy?

**SurferChick:**  Oh, that? Nah, I just made it up. You know, to encourage Danny to open up.

**CommanderJ:**  Right.


	14. Dearest Steven

_Dannolovesgracie has joined the chatroom_.

 **Zen:**  Hey, Danny! How are you, brah?

 **Dannolovesgracie:**  I couldn't be happier, Chin. Couldn't be happier.

 **Zen** : And to what do we owe this happiness?

 **SuperStepSteve:**  To me! XD

 **Dannolovesgracie:**  Jesus, Steven, even online your grin looks ridiculous.

 **SuperStepSteve:**  XD you love it!

 **Dannolovesgracie:**  No, I don't! I swear to God, half the time I think your face is gonna stick like that, you moron!

 **Zen:**  Woah, brahs! Where did the love go?

 **SuperStepSteve:**  Yeah, Danny. Where did the love go?

 **Dannolovesgracie:**  Shut it, Steven!

 **SuperStepSteve:**  I didn't say anything!

 **Dannolovesgracie:**  You know what I mean, you brute. Quit it with the attitude!

 **SuperSteveSteve:**  I don't have an attitude!

 **Dannolovesgracie:**  Yes, you do!

 **SuperStepSteve:**  No, I  _don't_.

 **Zen** : Here we go…

 **Dannolovesgracie:**  Yes, you do! You have an aneurysm face and you have an attitude. And you also have an ego the size of a zeppelin.

 **SuperStepSteve:**  Why can't you just admit, for once, that I did something  _awesome_  for you?

 **Dannolovesgracie:**  It was great, Steve, and I can't thank you enough, but your  _attitude_  gets on my nerves.

 **SuperStepSteve:**  Why can't you just let me enjoy it, Danny? Why do you always bask in  _your_  greatness and completely disregard mine?

 **Dannolovesgracie:**   _Bask_  in my greatness? What are you even talking about?

 **SuperStepSteve:**  It's what you always do, Danny! You do something well and you celebrate it. But God forbid  _I_  celebrate when I do something well.

 **Dannolovesgracie:**  Oh, my God! You are  _such_  an idiot! I don't mind when you celebrate your success! Hell, I even commend you for a job well done! What I  _don't_  approve of is you grinning like a mad man when you a) burst into warehouses without proper backup (shut UP, I am NOT proper backup); b) get me shot and shot  _at_  (yes, Steven, I dislike being on the receiving end of a gunshot) and c) get your ass into life threatening situations on a daily basis for the sake of the job.

 **SuperStepSteve:**  I find it absolutely incredible that you were able to elaborate that in under 30 seconds.

 **Dannolovesgracie:**  Thank you. Did you understand what I said?

 **SuperStepSteve:**  I did. I have one question, though.

 **Dannolovesgracie:**  Which is…?

 **SuperStepSteve:**  Am I allowed to celebrate the fact that, on what was most likely one of the most depressing moments of your life on the island so far, not only did I pay for dinner, but also arranged for Gracie to stay with you for a  _week_  while Rachel and Stan get acclimated to having a new born at home and  _also_  gave you a week off from work so that you could spend  _all your time_  with your beloved daughter?

 **Dannolovesgracie:**  Yes, Steven, of course you can!

 **SuperStepSteve** : Then why won't you let me?

 **Dannolovesgracie:**  I do!

 **SuperStepSteve:**  No, you don't. You totally don't.

 **Dannolovesgracie:**  Why are you sounding like a teenager again?

 **SuperStepSteve:**  Danny!

 **Dannolovesgracie** : Fine! God! I swear to God, sometimes it's like I'm married again!

 _Dannolovesgracie has changed his screen name to Dannolovesgracieandsteverule s_.

 **Dannolovesgracieandsteverule s:**  Dearest Steven…

 **SuperStepSteve:**  XD I already like this!

 **Zen:**  I bet you do.

 **Dannolovesgracieandsteverule s:**  You are the master of the Universe!

 **SuperStepSteve:**  Keep going.

 **Dannolovesgracieandsteverule s** : Without your divine intervention, oh holy army God…

 **SuperStepSteve:**  It's the Navy, Danno. I swear you do that just to bother me.

 **Dannolovesgracieandsteverule s:**  Fine, oh holy Navy God, without your divine intervention I would probably be sulking right now.

 **SuperStepSteve:**  You got that right!

 **Dannolovesgracieandsteverule s:**  Instead, I'm watching my baby girl sleep and feel blessed to have landed on this  _fantastic_  island.

 **SuperStepSteve:**  And dinner?

 **Dannolovesgracieandsteverule s:**  Dinner was fabulous, oh your royal Navyness! It was a flavor explosion enhanced by the absence of pineapple.

 **Zen:**  I'm writing this down.

 **Dannolovesgracieandsteverule s:**  Happy now?

 **SuperStepSteve** : XD

 **Dannolovesgracieandsteverule s:**  God, you're such a goof…

_Dannolovesgracieandsteverule s has left the chatroom._

**SuperStepSteve:**  See that, Chin? Danny thinks I  _rule_  XD

 _SuperStepSteve has left the chatroom_.

 **Zen:**  I think I need therapy.


	15. The problem with Steve

_ihopeyourot has joined the chatroom._

**Kickassblondsuckitwilliams:**  Oh, I wanna know what  _that_  is about!

 **ihopeyourot:**  Really, Lori? That's your screen name?

 **Kickassblondsuckitwilliams:**  I was gonna go with "You're just jealous because my hair is prettier, Williams" but I thought it was way too long and also an understatement.

 **ihopeyourot:**  Whatever.

 **Kickassblondsuckitwilliams:**  Really? You're not going to answer that? What happened?

 **Zen:**  Yeah, brah. What's going on?

 **ihopeyourot:**  Oh, hi Chin. Hadn't seen you there.

 **Zen** : I've spent enough time with McGarret to learn to be sneaky.

 **ihopeyourot:**  That's great! Let's just hope you don't start running around like a deranged G.I. Joe, guns blazing,  _shirtless_  and keeping grenades in glove compartments ready to blow up doors at the drop of a hat!

 **Kickassblondsuckitwilliams** : Hahahahahahahaha. What did Steve  _do_?

 **ihopeyourot:**  Oh, you know. The usual! He decided it was perfectly acceptable to threaten to throw a guy off a cliff with a bag over his head to get the information that we needed. Never mind that's a form of torture, no  _problem_  there! I wouldn't even  _mention_  the incident if it weren't for the fact that he actually  _threw the guy off the fucking cliff_!

 **Zen:**  What?

 **Kickassblondsuckitwilliams** : Are you serious?

 **DannyneedstoCHILL:**  Oh, relax people! It was two feet high! The guy didn't know that, of course.

 **ihopeyourot:**  He didn't know it because he had a  _bag over his head!_

 **DannyneedstoCHILL:**  Nothing happened, Danno! I don't need a sermon right now!

 **ihopeyourot:**  Don't you fucking call me Danno, you animal! And when would you like the sermon? Huh? Because you just happened to  _disappear_  and left ME in charge of explaining _your_  methods to the Governor and writing the reports. And I don't know about you, but I'm not exactly sure how to justify pushing a guy off a God damn cliff!

 **DannyneedstoCHILL:**  It was only two feet high! And you know what? Fine! You want me to write the report? I'll write the stupid report! You want me to explain to the Governor? I'll make an appointment to see him tomorrow morning. Just STOP BUGGING ME!

 **ihopeyourot:**  I'm bugging you?  _I_  am bugging  _you_? You're the one who left me there to deal with the repercussions of YOUR actions.

 **DannyneedstoCHILL** : Did it ever occur to you that maybe I didn't  _want_  to leave but had no choice?

 **ihopeyourot:**  What do you mean you had no choice? Why?

 **DannyneedstoCHILL** : Nothing. Never mind. I'm just saying maybe you should consider the  _possibility_  that I'm not really myself today.

 **ihopeyourot:**  Well, EXCUSE ME! But what is more like you than to throw the book out the window? And what the hell are you going on about? Why wouldn't you be yourself?

 **DannyneedstoCHILL** : Never mind! I'm just saying.

 **ihopeyourot:**  Just saying what? Steven!

 **DannyneedstoCHILL** : Nothing, Williams. I am fine.

 **ihopeyourot:**  You are most definitely not fine! What is going on? Talk to me Steven!

 **DannyneedstoCHILL** : Oh,  _now_  you want to talk?

 **ihopeyourot** : I always want to talk!

 **DannyneedstoCHILL:**  No, you always want to  _rant_.

 **ihopeyourot** : That's because it's the only way I can get through to your thick skull. Out of 100 words I say, you may at least get 20!

 **DannyneedstoCHILL:**  You know what? Never mind. I don't have the energy to argue with you right now.

 **ihopeyourot:**  You don't have the energy?  _What_  is the problem, Steven? Should I be sending the Army to your house? Are you being held hostage?

 **DannyneedstoCHILL** : If I were being held hostage, I would have said that first!

 **ihopeyourot:**  Then  _what_  is going on?

 **DannyneedstoCHILL:**  I'm undergoing a physical impossibility, Danny.

 **ihopeyourot** : What? What is going on? Are you hurt? Shall I call an ambulance? Whatever, I'm coming over!

 _ihopeyourot has left the chatroom_.

 **DannyneedstoCHILL:**  What the hell did he do?

 **Kickassblondsuckitwilliams:**  I think he's going to your place as we speak.

 **Zen:**  What  _is_  wrong with you anyway, Steve?

 **DannyneedstoCHILL** : I have a cold!

 **Zen:**  How is that, and I quote, "A physical impossibility".

 **DannyneedstoCHILL** : I never get sick! Ever. I haven't had a cold since I was a kid.

 **Zen** : You know what? I'm going to make an appointment for a therapist right now.

 **Kickassblondsuckitwilliams:**  Could you make one for me too, Chin?

 **Zen** : Sure, Lori.

 **Kickassblondsuckitwilliams:**  Oh, and Steve? I think the cost should be covered by the task force.

 **DannyneedstoCHILL** : Good luck with that.

_DannyneedstoCHILL has left the chatroom._

**Zen:**  Good luck, indeed.


	16. The screen name

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Vicodin joke is from Two and a half men.

_MyInkedKnight has joined the chatroom._

**StepSteve:**  Hi, lori! Is that for me?

 **MyInkedKnight:**  Yes, it is! Thank you for saving meeeee.

 **SurferChick:**  OK, what's going on?

 **MyInkedKnight:**  Don't you remember? Steve saved meeeeee.

 **StepSteve** : Yes... Three days ago. And you didn't think it was all that.

 **MyInkedKnight** : Oh, but it was! I could have died Steve! But you saved me. You carried me down those steps like I was a damsel in distress and you were my knight in inked armour. So romantic.

 **SurferChick** : Is this about the sprained ankle?

 **StepSteve** : Yeah. Lori, what are you taking for the pain?

 **MyInkedKnight:**  vicoden...

 **SurferChick:**  You misspelled vicodin.

 **MyInkedKnight** : that's the beauty of it. I don't care. And Steve is my heroooo. I love you sooooo much 3

 **IhopeMyExUnderstands:**  oh, crap. I chose the worst moment to log in. Do I dare ask what the hell is going on?

 **SurferChick:**  Lori loves steve!

 **MyInkedKnight:**  yesssssss. But not like Danny!

 **StepSteve:**  what do you mean?

 **IhopeMyExUnderstands:**  ah, she's on Vicodin, isn't she?

 **StepSteve:**  what did you mean, not like Danny?

_MyInkedKnight has been kicked out of the chatroom._

**StepSteve** : Wait! Kono! Why did you kick her out?

 **SurferChick** : I didn't brah, I swear! I don't know what happened.

 **StepSteve:**  Danny do you know what she was talking about?

 **IhopeMyExUnderstands:**  No clue.

 **SurferChick** : Hey, brah. Is Rachel giving you a hard time about the whole Peterson deal?

 **IhopeMyExUnderstands:**  Not really. Actually, she's been surprisingly understanding. She remembers the trial and what I went through.

 **StepSteve** : So what's with the screen name?

 **IhopeMyExUnderstands:**  oh, it's the same I had last time. I didn't feel like changing it. So who's keeping an eye on princess Pill?

 **SurferChick:**  I can't. I'm helping Kawika with the little surfers today.

 **StepSteve:**  no, it wasn't.

 **IhopeMyExUnderstands:**  huh?

 **SurferChick** : what's that, boss?

 **StepSteve:**  this isn't the same screen name you had last time.

 **IhopeMyExUnderstands** : yes, it is.

 **StepSteve:**  No, it isn't. It was something insulting me, I remember that.

 **IhopeMyExUnderstands** : Whatever, screen name Nazi, it's the one that was recorded on the computer. Last time I logged in it was from my phone. I guess it's older.

 **StepSteve:**  No.

 **IhopeMyExUnderstands** : No?

 **StepSteve:**  In fact, I'm sure you've never used this screen name before.

 **IhopeMyExUnderstands:**  I'm sorry, are you keeping track of my screen names now? What is wrong with you, McGarrett? I swear, you get weirder every day.

 **StepSteve:**  No, I do not. And I'm right. Right, Kono?

 **SurferChick:**  I really don't know, brah. I don't really pay attention to your screen names. Mostly, I just guess who's writing. Message names stopped being funny after the third chat session.

 **StepSteve:**  Well, check! You're the administrator, right?

 **IhopeMyExUnderstands:**  OK, I'm gonna go check on Lori before Steven goes all psycho on you, Kono.

_IhopeMyExUnderstands has left the chatroom._

**StepSteve:**  Kono!

 **SurferChick:**  What do you want from me, boss? I can't check now. I gotta go help Kawika. See ya!

_SurferChick has left the chatroom._

**StepSteve:**  What? I'm alone now?

 **StepSteve:**  hello?

 **StepSteve:**  Dammit!

_StepSteve has left the chatroom._

**MasterZen:**  Interesting.

 **CommanderJ:**  I think Kono and Lori came up with a new plan behind our backs.

 **MasterZen:**  Or Lori  _forgot_  our plan thanks to the pain-killers.

 **CommanderJ** : Do you honestly think she took more than she needed?

 **MasterZen:**  You're right. We'd better talk to the girls.

 **CommanderJ:**  Let's wait. It seems like Danny's screen name said more than he intended to. Maybe the girls know something we don't.

 **MasterZen:**  You are scary, Joe.

 **CommanderJ** : I taught Steve everything he knows, Chin. Remember that.

 **MasterZen:**  I can hardly forget it.


	17. Steve Got It

**Former50:**  I really miss you guys!  
 **SurferChick** : we miss you too, Lori. Now I'm the only chick again.  
 **Former50:**  yeah but you're more than enough! And the guys love you.  
 **SurferChick** : they loved you too!  
 **Former50:**  no way. I think Danny wanted me dead and buried after that episode with the stairs.  
 **SurferChick:**  you always knew Steve was off limits, though.  
 **Former50:**  oh Kono, not you too!  
 **SurferChick:**  what?  
 **Former50** : Kono! I just wanted to make them see! You know, create some friction.  
 **SurferChick:**  well a heads up would have been nice, girl! And I don't think it worked.  
 **Former50:**  they still haven't faced it?  
 **SurferChick** : oh no. And the boss went on the Enterprise with Catherine.  
 **Former50:**  how did Danny take it?  
 **SurferChick:**  we'll know any minute now. Steve said he'd log in at four and Danny said he'd be here.  
 **Former50:**  I'll stay invisible then.  
 **SurferChick** : that's my girl.

 **SubSteve** : hello? Anybody here?  
 **GraciesDanno:**  yeah, hey.  
 **SubSteve** : what's going on, Danno?

 **GraciesDanno** : I'm Danny to you, Steve.  
 **SubSteve** : what? Why? What could I have possibly done now? I'm in the middle of the ocean!  
 **GraciesDanno** : Exactly. Ass.  
 **SubSteve** : OK I don't really get what is going on. Why are you mad at me?  
 **GraciesDanno:**  I'm not mad. Dogs get mad.  
 **SubSteve:**  OK then what are you? Angry? Pissed off?  
 **GraciesDanno** : No. Nothing.  
 **SubSteve:**  Nothing?  
 **GraciesDanno** : Nothing.  
 **SubSteve:**  then why can't I call you Danno?  
 **GraciesDanno** : because I think it's time we have a more professional relationship. You're my boss. Calling me Danno seems inappropriate.  
 **SubSteve:**  but we are also friends.  
 **GraciesDanno:**  I disagree.  
 **SubSteve:**  you're saying we're not friends?  
 **GraciesDanno:**  yes.  
 **SubSteve:**  how can you say that after everything we've been through together?  
 **GraciesDanno** : everything we've been through together, as you put it, was completely work related.  
 **SubSteve:**  Danny you didn't stay in Hawaii when Rachel left because of work. You didn't fly to North Korea because I'm your boss! You did that because we're friends!  
 **GraciesDanno:**  it doesn't matter why I did what I did. We're just work partners. Let's act as such.  
 **SubSteve:**  Danny what is going on? Are you mad because I'm here on the Enterprise?  
 **GraciesDanno:**  I told you I'm not mad.  
 **SubSteve** : For fucks sake Danny! Don't give me your vocabulary bullshit now! What exactly are you saying?  
 **GraciesDanno:**  I have to go. Gracie's coming.  
 **SubSteve:**  Danny!  
 _GraciesDanno has left the chatroom._  
 **SubSteve:**  what the hell? Hello?  
 **ZenMaster:**  hey, brah.  
 **SurferChick:**  hi, boss.  
 **SubSteve:**  Don't play dumb. What the hell is the matter with Danny?  
 **ZenMaster:**  we can't really say brah. He doesn't talk to us like that.  
 **SurferChick:**  yeah, we thought you might know what was wrong.  
 **SubSteve:**  you mean this isn't just now?  
 **ZenMaster:**  I'm afraid he's been cranky all week.  
 **SubSteve:**  since I left.  
 **SurferChick** : maybe.  
 **SubSteve:**  why didn't you tell me?  
 **ZenMaster** : we didn't know there was anything to tell, brah.  
 **SubSteve** : something's obviously wrong. I gotta talk to him.  
 **SurferChick** : he's not going to answer if he's with Grace.  
 **SubSteve:**  he isn't with her. Before I left Rachel told him she was going to visit her family in Jersey for the weekend to get Gracie's mind off what happened.  
 **ZenMaster:**  he didn't tell us that.  
 **SubSteve:**  you know Danny. He didn't want you to feel sorry for him.  
 **ZenMaster** : sounds like you know him more than we do.  
 **SubSteve:**  I gotta go. I need to call him.  
 **SurferChick:**  Good luck brah!  
 _SubSteve has left the chatroom_.  
 **Former50:**  from a profiler's point of view that is just text book.  
 **SurferChick:**  that's the type of comment that put you on Danny's list.  
 **Former50:** oops.

* * *

**Steve:**  danny pick up the damn phone.

 **Danny:**  When did you add me on whatsapp?

 **Steve:**  danny, please just pick up the phone.  
 **Danny:**  I did pick it up, Steven. How do you think I'm typing on it?  
 **Steve:**  answer my calls.  
 **Danny:**  No.  
 **Steve:**  why not?  
 **Danny** : Whatever you need to say you can say now, boss.  
 **Steve:**  Danny I can't fix something when I don't know what's broken.  
 **Danny:**  And here I thought SEALs could do anything. Too bad they didn't teach you social skills in the navy, Rambo.  
 **Steve:**  Rambo was in the army. And you're the one who teaches me social skills. So go ahead, teach me. What did I do?  
 **Danny:**  Nothing.  
 **Steve:**  I must have done something if you're this mad... Sorry, angry.  
 **Danny** : It's nothing.  
 **Steve** : even on whatsapp I know that's a lie, Danno.  
 **Danny** : It's Danny.  
 **Steve:**  no. You're my Danno.  
 **Danny:**  I'm not yours, Steve. Catherine is.  
 **Steve:**  what?  
 **Steve:**  Danny?  
 **Steve:**  Danny, i know you're reading this. What do you mean Catherine is mine but you're not?  
Danny!

 _The following message could not be sent: **Danny, i know you're reading this. What do you mean Catherine is mine but you're not? Danny!**  The mobile you're trying to be is unavailable. Try again later_.

 **Imanidiot:**  please tell me there's someone here.  
 **ZenMaster:**  Steve or Danny?  
 **Imanidiot:**  Steve. Danny doesn't insult himself.  
 **ZenMaster** : What's wrong?  
 **Imanidiot** : how did you know anything's wrong?  
 **ZenMaster** : I didn't. You just told me.  
 **Imanidiot** : you're sneaky.  
 **ZenMaster:**  I know. Now come on, brah, spill.  
 **Imanidiot:**  I made a mistake leaving, didn't I?  
 **ZenMaster:**  Depends on why you think that.  
 **Imanidiot** : Danny. He's "angry" because he thinks I came running after Cath.  
 **ZenMaster:**  So?  
 **Imanidiot:**  Is that it? He's mad because of that?  
 **ZenMaster** : Yes and no.  
 **Imanidiot** : This is so not the time for riddles, chin. I need some enlightenment here.  
 **ZenMaster** : Kono's going to kill me.  
 **Imanidiot:**  What's she got to do with anything?  
 **ZenMaster** : We promised to keep interference to a minimum.  
 **Imanidiot** : what interference?  
 **ZenMaster** : Sometimes you're really clueless Steve.  
 **Imanidiot** : I know. Just say it Chin. I can't keep guessing and I've been locked in my room for hours trying to figure this out.  
 **ZenMaster** : fine. I'll say what I can and you must accept it.  
 **Imanidiot** : i will. Please, Chin.  
 **ZenMaster** : Yes, he's mad because you went with Catherine. But no, it's not just that.  
 **Imanidiot** : what is it, then?  
 **ZenMaster** : It's more complicated and I think you know it but you don't want to see it.  
 **Imanidiot:**  See what? He just told me we're not friends!  
 **ZenMaster:**  And he's right.  
 **Imanidiot:**  But we're not just partners. He's my best friend! I tell him everything! I...  
 **ZenMaster:**  You?  
 **Imanidiot:**  oh, shit.  
 **ZenMaster:**  I think you got it.  
 **Imanidiot:**  Oh my god.  
 **ZenMaster** : You definitely got it.  
 **Imanidiot:**  but Danny loves Rachel! He wants to get back together with her. You heard the message!  
 **ZenMaster:**  Rachel has Gracie.  
 **Imanidiot:**  but Gabby!  
 **ZenMaster:**  looks exactly like Rachel. Minus the accent.  
 **Imanidiot:**  but Catherine.  
 **ZenMaster:**  Catherine didn't go to North Korea to get you.  
 **Imanidiot:**  but you did. You and Kono and Joe and Lori and the others.  
 **ZenMaster:**  and Danny. The only one who had everything to lose if it went wrong. The only one with a daughter to worry about. He went.  
 **Imanidiot:**  a daughter. Gracie. The same daughter that he left at the airport when I was arrested.  
 **ZenMaster** : do you see it now?  
 **Imanidiot** : it doesn't make sense!  
 **ZenMaster** : it never does.  
 **Imanidiot:**  no! I mean, then why is he trying to be more professional? Why treat me like a boss and nothing more?  
 **ZenMaster:**  maybe because YOU didn't go to North Korea to get him.  
 **Imanidiot:**  Danny wasn't in Korea! He's never left Hawaii since he got here.  
 **ZenMaster** : but you did, Steve. You left Hawaii to follow Catherine. On the week when Rachel took Gracie away and Danny's got no one to turn to. What clearer message than that?  
 **Imanidiot:**  oh shit.  
 **ZenMaster:**  you said that already. Now what are you going to do about it?  
 **Imanidiot:**  I'm going to fix it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to know what happens next, read "After the Chatroom" here http://archiveofourown.org/works/554728


	18. Surf Buddies

**StepSteve:**  Hey, guys. What's new in the chatroom?

 **SurferChick** : Hey, boss. What's up? We missed you!

 **Zen:**  Good to have you back, brah.

 **StepSteve:**  It's good to be back. Where's Danno?

 **SurferChick:**  Shouldn't you know? :P

 **StepSteve:**  What does that mean?

 **Zen:**  I think she's referring to the fact that you two are…

 **DetectiveWilliams:**  Surf buddies?

 **StepSteve** : There you are, Danno! What's with the screen name?

 **DetectiveWilliams:**  What's wrong with my screen name?

 **StepSteve:**  Is it just me, or does he sound hostile?

 **DetectiveWilliams** : I don't  _sound_  anything, Steven.

 **SurferChick:**  Definitely hostile.

 **Zen:**  Oh, yeah.

 **DetectiveWilliams:**  I am not hostile! I'm fine. Better than fine. Because we are surf buddies, right Steven?

 **StepSteve:**   _That's_  why you're angry?

 **DetectiveWilliams:**  Why would I be angry? Because you told your sister that we are, and I quote, "surf buddies"?

 **StepSteve:**  I didn't tell her that! She said it!

 **DetectiveWilliams:**  And you went along with it. You didn't care to explain anything else.

 **StepSteve:**  I was surprised, Danny! I wasn't prepared to just come out and tell my sister about us!

 **DetectiveWilliams:**  Ok.

 **StepSteve:**  OK?

 **DetectiveWilliams:**  OK.

 **StepSteve:**  What does that mean?

 **DetectiveWilliams:**  It means, OK.

 **StepSteve:**  You don't seem to be OK.

 **DetectiveWilliams:**  That is your opinion. Let's see what the others think. Guys? What do you think?

 **Zen:**  I think if he says he's OK, he's OK.

 **StepSteve:**  You do? Kono?

 **Surferchick** : I don't know, brah. I mean, based on this particular argument, OK sounds like "I'm about to kick you in the liver".

 **StepSteve:**  I'm with Kono in this one.

 **DetectiveWilliams:**  So am I.

_DetectiveWilliams has left the chatroom._

**StepSteve:**  What? I don't get it.

 **SurferChick:**  Seriously? It was pretty clear to me, brah.

 **Zen:**  Looks like you're having your first argument.

 **StepSteve:**  First argument? That wasn't even an argument. That was… I don't know, something else. I gotta go.

 **Zen:**  Good idea.

 **SurferChick** : Just in case, protect your liver!

 **StepSteve:**  Funny, Kono.

 **SurferChick:**  Not kidding.

_StepSteve has left the chatroom._

**SurferChick:** Think they're going to have make up sex?

 **Zen:** I'd rather not think about that.

 **SurferChick:** Really? I  _love_  thinking about that. I think I'm going to call Charlie now.

 **Zen:**  Too much information, cousin. Too much.

 **SurferChick:**  Oh, come on! Like you've never fantasized about two women.

 **Zen:** Malia is all I need.

 **SurferChick:**  Yeah, OK. I promise I won't tell her about the 'incident'.

 **Zen:**  Kono! You promised you wouldn't tell!

 **SurferChick:**  Geez, cuz. You are the only man who would be embarrassed if people knew he'd lost his virginity to two women!

 **Zen:**  Kono! Anyone could read this! And in any case, that's not what embarrasses me.

 **SurferChick** : What, then?

 **Zen:**  It's that my mother caught me! She didn't talk to me for three months.

 **SurferChick:**  Small price to pay, cuz.

 **Zen:**  Yeah.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [After the Chatroom](https://archiveofourown.org/works/554728) by [CassFear84](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CassFear84/pseuds/CassFear84)




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